Forgotten Until Remembered
by Fluxuating Inbetween
Summary: She's trapped. Isolated. Forgotten. At least that's the way Buffy sees it. Can the man she sees as a beast come and save her? Can he prove she was never forgotten, but actually remembered so strongly that it hurts?
1. Shall I Stay?

This is my first Buffy fan fiction so I can say with quite honesty that you can expect the worst. Also, for all of you grammar freaks please beware of my writing because not only is Buffy, the narrator or this story, having many unstructured thoughts, but also my grammar/spelling is HORRID! So, well, for everyone else. on with the story, I hope you enjoy it, and please, please, please give me a nice little review!!!  
  
Title: Forgotten Until Remembered  
  
Chapter 1: Shall I Stay?  
  
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I take a step in through the open door and suddenly I don't know what I'm doing here. Why I'm folding my arms and clenching my sweater's sleeves. Why it's so damn cold. I close the door behind me hoping that might be it. It's not. The place is still cold and so damn uninviting I'm seriously considering ripping the door right off it's hinges and never looking back. So I turn and begin to twist the knob, but then he walks in and it all comes back to me. Every last bit of the information breaks down the dam and threatening to flood me. Sunnydale with Mom, Willow, Xander, Giles, stranger, Angel, vampire, love, passion, no Angel because Bad Angel, spell, good Angel, no Angel, loneliness, college, no Mom, Riley. and then suddenly it all gets fuzzy.  
  
"Mama!" The happy little girl coos in his arms.  
  
Oh boy! Now I'm just being slammed by it all. Riley, no Riley, then something I can't remember, going away, coming back, slow time, painful time, Riley again, more Riley, lots of Riley, less Willow, less Xander, less Giles, still no Angel, Riley again and again and again, controlling Riley, bossy Riley and yes, slowly, no Willow, no Xander, no Giles. Sometimes I miss them and others too, but I'm not supposed to think about that. Still, why did they go away? Why do I have to always miss them? Always? Oh, yes. Angel=sex=bad, Riley=sex=good. At least this is how I'm suppose to see it, but how does this tie into. Yes! Riley and then lots of sex and pretty soon. babies. Well baby actually. for now anyway. This is why I don't have time for Willow, Xander and Giles. that's what Riley says. Beside it doesn't matter what I thin. I'm too listen to him, but why. No! No questioning that anymore! Already done too much of that.  
  
"Mama?" She questions now and suddenly I realize that she's speaking to me. I'm not exactly sure how I forgot that "Mama" is a title of mine. Well more of another responsibility. Maybe it was the going away? Maybe. well it doesn't matter. I don't really like to think about that either. I shouldn't. It's best if I don't.  
  
"Take her." He tells me, but I know it's not a suggestion or a request. It's a hard, solid command.  
  
Gently I pluck her from his arms as he turns away, first giving me a look of disgust, and then disappear into the other room. Slowly, I walk up the stairs listening to what he's doing. Well, not actually listening. It can't be my fault for hearing him when he's making so much noise grabbing a bottle of something from the fridge and then flipping on the television, which is on the maximum volume. It's football again. I smile. At least it's football time now, which means I can get her to bed before he gets in his mood.  
  
As I slip into her room, before I do anything else, I press the button on her noise machine labeled "rain". I will always find the fact that she likes rain best. Ever since she was a newborn she always like the sound of a rainstorm, especially if there was thunder. It was when the night was peaceful and quiet that I would hear her sobbing on the baby monitor. That is when Xander bought me this clever little piece of machinery. He didn't know why I needed it so much or why it comes in so handy. He doesn't know it keeps her from hearing that man downstairs.  
  
Quietly, careful to miss all the creaky boards, I move toward the crib. Each time I do this I once again convince myself that if he can't hear me he will forget I'm up her all together. Of course, every time the same thing happens.  
  
"Buffy!" He bellows.  
  
In a flash I place her down in the center of her crib, giving her a feathery kiss on her cheek and run for the door. Trying my hardest not to trip I sprint down the steps, but the worst happens! Only five steps down, on a thirty or so step staircase, I am sent flying down to the bottom.  
  
"What happened?" He yells from the other room, his words, to me, becoming barely a whisper.  
  
"I'm not sure." I mumble, well at least my mouth moves, but I'm unsure whether words come out or not.  
  
He says something to me, but I can't understand what the words mean. Everything is so distant.  
  
A few moments pass, which seems like an eternity, before I feel a phone, which is placed into my hand. Without hesitation I press some buttons, which for the life of me I can't remember what they are. Luckily, I can hear a ringing in the distance and silently begging for someone to answer, I realize I have absolutely no idea who I am calling.  
  
"Come get me please." I think I say and then everything goes black.  
  
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Hope you enjoyed it. once again please review and tell me what you think. Reviews are honestly greatly appreciated! 


	2. My Beautiful Stranger

Just so you know:   
  
* Riley is my absolute worst favorite character on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I don't like him, never did and never will. He is a big looser who never should have been on the show, but he was so what can I do? Anways… To all Riley fans: Either put up with my Riley slams or don't read. That is all.  
  
* Dawn is someone different than you think… You'll have to read to find out what I am talking about.  
  
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Finally updated. *Smiles* Well, on with the story then…  
  
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Title: Forgotten Until Remembered  
  
Chapter 2: My Beautiful Stranger  
  
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I'm not sure which hurt first; the white hot sensation burning my eyes or the mind splitting pain of opening them. Of course, it didn't take long for the blinding light to wash away, leaving me with a monster headache. So, even with my perfect slayer vision, the throbbing in my head made it difficult for me to focus. I still saw him though. I still saw the stranger.  
  
As I starred up at him, he suddenly noticed that I was awake and smiled warmly, sending a cascade of a strange feeling throughout my body.  
  
"I came as soon as I could, love." He says gently, almost passionately and then, under his breath, follows up with, "Don't know why your Wonker couldn't bring you though."  
  
I try to open my mouth to tell him what a pathetic jealous bastard he is, but my lips wont move. Everything hurts to much to move, so I simply inwardly scowl at him. He must get the point though, because suddenly he looks angry, not at me, but at himself. Must be a blood sensing thing.  
  
"Big Bad, remember?" He says, reading my thoughts.  
  
The question is rhetorical of course, but I find it in my self to smile anyway. It hurts for a second, but the happiness of simply smiling, a luxury I had been deprived of for so long, drowns out the pain.  
  
  
  
I glance at the clock, my eyes no longer hurting because of whatever is dripping from the IV. Of course, it could be because of the Slayers quick healing power. Well, actually I'm pretty sure it isn't the later because the clock says that it's 2:00 A.M. and Slayers don't usually knock out for a day because of a fall.  
  
"How long?" I suddenly find the strength to whisper, my voice raspy and airy.   
  
  
  
"Two days. Your Wonker came by yesterday. Asked how much it would cost, threw a fit and then left. Took the pet with him." He said, raising his voice as he went about and then lowered it as he got to the part about "the pet."  
  
"Dawn."  
  
  
  
Oh yes, I remember. He didn't know about my Dawn. I'm not sure any of them do. I haven't seen them for so long. Hadn't seen him for so long, until now.  
  
"Your daughter." He says, not a question, but a statement. He needed to say it, to hear it, to understand what it meant.  
  
"Mine and Riley's."  
  
"Your daughter." He says again, disagreeing with me.  
  
I frown. Stubborn bastard! If he only knew the half of it.  
  
Looking out the window into the dull light of dawn he says, "Better get going before the bloody sun comes up and burns me-" He pauses as a nurse walks in. "You know… me and my white skin. Burn really easily." She ignores him. "Well, nice seeing you, Slay-Buffy."   
  
  
  
He stands there, awkwardly for a moment and then reaches out and touches my hand. I have to squeeze back the tears to keep from crying. It's the sweetest thing- it just melts my heart and at the same time I can feel that painful squeeze. Only for a moment his Vampire cold, but at the same time warm, fingers brush the back of my hand, but it feels like I've been in a relaxing spa for hours. Damn, I wish this stupid moronic asshole would just hold me- no! No more thinking about that.  
  
After pulling his hand away, he turns and begins walking. As he makes it to the door, he turns back around and mutters "If you ever need me."   
  
I smile.  
  
"Yeah. Being seeing you, love." He says it, wants it to be a goodbye, but I know that inside he wants me, needs me to confirm.  
  
I smile again. "I know where to find you."  
  
He nods, grabs his old blanket/cloak from the metal chair by the door and quickly exits.  
  
"My beautiful Stranger." I say aloud.  
  
"Yours?" The nurse asks and then adds, "Quite a catch."  
  
I look at her. Her cloths look finely pressed, and smell clean. The beautiful brown hair on her head it pulled back neatly and washed to perfection. She's new, I realize, so that means she wasn't here to see my psychotic husband.  
  
"Yes. Quite a catch isn't he?"  
  
My eyes sag, tiredness suddenly overwhelming, as I slip into a restful sleep (the first in months) on that uncomfortable, but yet extremely cozy, hospital bed.  
  
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Confusing… I know, but it's late and I'm not even re-reading it, so… well… Hope you still enjoyed it anyway. 


	3. Light Darkness

Title: Forgotten Until Remembered

Chapter 3: Light Darkness

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I noticed the nurse staring strangely at my bruises today. She wanted to ask, but when I met her eyes she bowed her head and hasn't looked again. It doesn't matter if she asked me anyway. I'd just tell her they were from the fall. Still, I'm pretty sure my eyes would have betrayed me. My eyes. They always betray me. When I smile they show sadness. When I say "yes" again and again they show the pain, the truth, the "no I just want to cram you into a grave". Tears when I'm trying to be strong.

Tears. Oh yes. I feel their icy wetness spilling down my cheeks, curving under my chin, dripping down onto my neck and hiding beneath my cloths. I feel the cold, literally and that, which I've tried to keep stored away. I'm so cold.

"Don't cry, love." He whispers, holding me close, his hot breath on the back of my head, my only warmth.

For the first time I realize I'm not in the hospital bed. I don't see the linoleum white tiles or the stiff green curtains. I can't smell the heaviness of death mixed with the bitter odor of sanitations wipes. Only that familiar smell. His comfortable smell. I don't even know what it is. Something like eating home made bread and soothing, silent darkness.

"Please don't cry, love." He whispered again, his words curling in and out of my ear. He calls me "love." Riley never called me that. Not once.

I turn back. I just want to look at him. Just one time, at least one last time. I need to just look at him. Oh those deep eyes. Those truthful, honest eyes. They don't lie to me. They don't hurt me. Those eyes. I just... if I could only.

He smiles. I know what he's thinking. I know that question is still bugging him because I can see it in his eyes. Why? Why? Because I just can't. You know I can't. I want to yell it at him. Want to make him see. Suddenly I want to beat it into him. Make him understand.

"I know. It's okay, Buffy."

Of course he knows. Of course. Why wouldn't he? He's so... so... damn. I hate it when he says my name. He really says it. Really caresses my name, allows it to roll of that hot wet tongue... that warm inviting tongue... if I could only.

The tears come full blast again, not that they ever stopped, I think. I don't know. I'm feeling so much, but not feeling anything. This is how it is. This is how it is whenever I'm in his arms. Whenever he encircles me in a tight embrace. Holding me. I just need to be held. Need. Need.

"Buffy." He whispers so quietly, almost scared.

I'm not sure at first, but then I realize I've laid my head down on his shoulder. I realize my tears are spilling down into the crook of his jacket. That black jacket. He took it from another slayer. Slayer... slayer... oh yes...

Suddenly I realize how close we are. I remember. Slayer. Vampire. Angel... I can't. I can't go through it again. I can't let this happen again. I won't.

"I should go." I hear myself say and feel the hard floor against my feet, but it doesn't felt steady. I guess this is why I stumble a little.

He's up instantly, those quick Vampire reflexes. He steadies me, his large hand on my shoulder holding me up. I lean into that hand, and instantly he encircles me again. He knows what I want. What I truly want. But no. I should...

"I should go." I say again, my voice light and untrue.

He grips me tighter and says, pleading with me, "Buffy."

"I should go." I repeat for the third and final time.

He nods and lets me go, taking with him that shield of warmth. I'm cold again. Cold as Vampire skin. Removed from the warmth of his. I want to cry again. Need to, but I don't.

I want to say thanks, but only he says "Anytime, love."

I want to smile, but only he can mask the sadness. I can't. It's taking too much out of me not to cry.

"Say hi to the pet, eh?" He tries an attempt at that lightness. That joking, simple nature we use to share before... before...

I nod and finally I smile, but the tears betray me. Doesn't matter. Not like he doesn't know anyway, but still I try to keep it from him. My eyes betray me anyway, just like his. Just stay his say and mine say yes, but I walk through the door, hugging my jacket close.

"I could walk you home." He offers, but knows I will refuse.

He nods.

"Be seeing you, love?"

I start to say yes, but only more tears come.

He nods again and closes the door. Standing there I can feel him on the other side, sliding down to the ground. He might be crying, something that he would never show me. I don't think so though, but he might.

Touching the door I say thank you and from the other side I know he's saying always. I too want to sit down, stay here, and even more so I want to go in. But I can't, at least I won't. Nope.

Clasping my thin jacket even tighter I take in a deep breath, turn and start down the street. Further and further I disappear into the darkness, closer and closer to the black, as the light, relaxing darkness sits behind me. I calm down a little thinking about that. It's always there. The light darkness is always there.

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Well that was fun to write. :-D Alright! Please review and I'm hoping to update again soon. This is really, really fun and getting lots of reviews would make it even better!!


	4. Black Darkness

Title: Forgotten Until Remembered

Chapter 4: Black Darkness

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"Where have you been?" That loud, slurred voice booms as I enter the door.

I tried to come in quietly. I opened the door softly and now barely clasp it shut behind me. I'm hoping that he'll forget I came in. He's probably drunk anyway.

"I said where have you damn been, you selfish bitch!?" He screams at me again.

Dawn's crying up stairs. This is my justification. My reason not to answer. I have to go to her. I need to. Need. Need. Need to protect her from him.

"Get your ass in here, you dirty slut! I know you've been with him. Vampires aren't the only ones with a good sense of smell."

He's standing there, leaning heavily against the doorpost. I can smell the beer all over him and the faintness of cigarettes. This means he was at the bar. He left Dawn all alone. This bas- He left my little baby all alone.

He takes a step toward me and this all too familiar scene flashes in my head again. Riley would come at me and after the blows finally made it to my head I would come out of it a few moments later. When the blinding pain faded away he would be back on his chair, swigging a beer, and Dawn would be crying for me.

I hear her sobbing again and the sound of the pound as Riley's foot, both now and before, comes down.

"I told you, you couldn't see him. You bitch. You damn bitch! I told you, you little slut, that you couldn't see any of them, especially that slimy, piece of shit beast."

His words don't hurt me. On the contrary. I feel this tide, this burning flame, starting to seep up through me. I hear Dawn's crying again and the raging inferno within me grows stronger. My hands start to tingle with a warmth I haven't experienced in a long, long, all too long time.

"How could you do this to me? After all I've done for you, ungrateful bitch!"

He was getting closer. So close that I couldn't hold the rage within. Before he could lunge I came at him with a force I hadn't ever experienced. It was a fueled wrath that I've never felt, even when facing the many apocalyptic foes.

"Bitch." He screamed, after I had made contact with his left eye.

I couldn't hear him. I couldn't hear anything, but my child's painful crying and the beating of my too long abused heart. It pulled me forward, dominating my ever action. Before he could counter-attack I was on him again, pummeling him without limitations of conscience. At one point I hit him with such great strength that I sent him into the back wall, where his body smashed my Grandmother's mirror, shattering it into millions of pieces.

Then I could hear. The silence. The quiet I hadn't ever heard around him before. It was so unusual and unique. I wanted to just listen. Just listen a little longer. Hoping I could enjoy it before I realized. I realized.

"Mama!" The voice screamed from upstairs, within a pitiful, ear-piercing sob.

Looking down at the still body I realized what I had done as the world began to go black and images distorted. Trying to reach her, I aimed for the stairs, but when my hand took a hold of the railing my legs became limp. Sinking down, I felt guilty tears slap down upon my soar hands, as I wrapped my face into my fingers.

I'm not sure I heard her when she first stopped crying, but I am sure that I smell him. He's smiling walking down the stairs, as she joyfully giggles at his side, held carefully in his arms.

"Buffy." He says, and it appears that he's trying not to laugh. "Finally gave that wanker the old one-two eh? Had it coming."

I look up at him, my expression frozen and blank. Doesn't he realize what I have just done? Doesn't he-

"Pity his hearts still beating," Spike mumbles and then meets my eyes. "I know. Why don't you stay here love, and let me worry about taking this guy in. Two hospital trips in one week and no blood. I'm a changed man." Laughing, he goes over and scoops Riley up, who groans as Spike hauls the beaten man over his shoulder. "I can take the pet to if you like."

It's not a suggestion. He knows as well as I that I can't hold her right now.

"Be taking your car if that's all right."

I nod, inwardly or outwardly I don't know, but he takes the keys anyway from the hallway hook. He turns to me. I look at him not sure why he's just standing there not saying anything.

"The door." He finally says.

Suddenly I'm able to stand up. Walking over I push it open and step aside. Passing me by, his exhilarating smell tingles my senses, but I'm too tired to allow the feeling to develop into anything more. Too tired to question how he got here just at the right time. Too tired to think what would have happened if he didn't. Too tired to worry about him or what this could mean. Too tired to think what it means to have this house free of Riley for at least a day. Too tired to think. Just too tired.

Meeting me eyes he simply says "Oh and Buffy. I'm not Angel."

Smiling, he steps through the door.

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Another chapter... three months or so without and suddenly two chapters in one day. I am so proud of myself! Please review! That's all.


	5. A Memory Drifts to the Surface

Here's a little question for you and the reviewers whose sexual preference is men.

Do you prefer:

A) The wonderful guy that's always there for you, is ready to step in no matter what and absolutely adores you, but in a comfortable, non-forceful way

B) That dominant guy, he may be a controlling asshole, but deep down he's got a soft side and you know that at the end of the day you're the real one calling all the shots

C) An obsessive guy whose name you can never quite remember. He became infatuated with you at first sight, is constantly bombarding you with personal questions, and is always trying to tie you down with plans.

Not physical attractions, just personality… so… please tell me what you think. If you can find a convincing argument for how C can be a great guy and should be somehow worked into this story than I will comply. Be forewarned because you will have to use some master debater skills in order to accomplish this feat.

Title: Forgotten Until Remembered

Chapter 5: A Memory Drifts to the Surface

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I'm not sure how long it's been, but in the very least I've heard the Grandfather Clock, one of the few pieces he let me keep from my childhood home, chime twice. Whether these were an hour apart or mere seconds, I don't know. It seems like I've broken away from reality. Not in any way like I've stepped out of it. No, that I could handle. If I'd stepped out of it, I'd be free. Free of these painful restraints and the longing for my lost, twisted memories. I suppose I'd have to call Willow if I would want that.

Willow… A memory floods back into my mind, as I dangle between being lost to the void of nothingness and the snapping cords holding me to Buffy. I'm not sure, which I would like better. Not knowing, not being anything, but empty or trying to fill the bitter, hungry emptiness within Buffy. I'm not sure who she is anymore. Not sure I could even been her again.

But that memory. We're sitting on a park bench, a little over two years ago. She's smiling brightly at me, but I can see tears waiting to fall at the corners of her eyes.

'Buffy… I'm not going to forget you, ever. You are my best friend. You introduced me to a whole new world, not that every moment has been cherry sunshine in Sunnydale. Still, we've had fun and I know we've always been completely honest with each other. You are one of the strongest things in my life. You see me for who I am and have accepted me along every step of this transition. No matter what you think, or he's led you to think, you are so strong. Not just your Slayer strength, but mentally. I've seen you break your way out of the holdings of much greater foes and kept yourself going one hundred percent, even when your body was refusing to continue to fight. This is why I know in my heart that you can fight this. Buffy, he doesn't deserve you in any way. I know you've been through a lot, but I know you're stronger and smarter than this. You've never submitted to anything, Buffy. You're amazing and I know in you heart you will make the right decision, and leave Riley.'

These words have floated back to me, more than one in the last few years, but never had I had the vivid memory of my reaction. Without words, some kind of vicious anger exploded within me and I raised my fist, intending to strike her. I only hesitated momentarily, a shred of my humane reasoning stepping out, but that name, Riley. It set my hate on fire, and thus began my self loss to the flames.

I made contact, but not with her face, which for some reason I cannot remember what it looks likes. Instead, I slammed down on her force field. I can remember a jerk as the blackness within her started to give rise to black veins, but the beauty within her, that newfound enormously strong goodness suppressed her inner daemon. If only I was that strong, Willow.

"If only I was that strong, Willow." I hear myself say aloud, and feel the plastic phone against my ear.

"Buffy." A distant voice answers.

I'm not crying. I've already done all of that that I can do, but she is. She's not just crying. She's sobbing and in some ways laughing.

"Buffy. Buffy! Buffy! My god, Xander! Xander it's Buffy!" She yells and I have to pull the phone away from my ear.

"Buffy? Willow are you high?" That still familiar voice yells, but it is fainter. Still, my Slayer hearing picks it up.

"Very funny, Xander. But I'm not lying! This is Buffy. Buffy. Oh my god. Buffy!"

"If only I was that strong, Willow." I can't quite hear if I'm saying it or just thinking it, but I do hear the click of the phone.

If only I were that strong. If only…

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Not the longest, but anyway… it's very late and I have school tomorrow. So, please review and I promise to get another one up as soon as possible. Also, if you can, please include your answer to my question at the top. Thanxs a ton, reviewers!


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